Can I Please Poo in Peace?!

As a mother of three I’ve conceded to the idea that there may as well be a revolving door on our bathroom when I am in it. I take it as my karma for all the times I cornered my own mom while she was in the can and therefore accept my fate gracefully. However, the company of my youngest child lately seems like more of a punishment than I deserve. Lately he finds it necessary to unroll the toilet paper until I scold him no less than three times. Next he tries to grab the toilet brush and or plunger depending on how well I’m paying attention, often pretending he’s just looking in the shower to distract me. When he fails at those attempts he has taken to inventorying the cabinet by removing all the contents from it and the drawers underneath, including unwrapping new tampons, brushing his teeth with whomever’s toothbrush he finds, putting on head bands, and using my make-up brushes to sweep the floors. Since my bathroom time is really the only time I have reserved for reading (read: catching up on celebrity gossip via tabloids) this is quite frustrating as you can imagine. Eventually I kick him out, but before deciding to do so several consequences must be weighed. He will either…
a) scream and bang on said door screaming “mommy, pwease!!” as if he’s being eaten by rabid wolves on the other side
b) he will leave quietly…too quietly and as I exit the bathroom I will find that he has either…

  • discovered a coloring utensil and decorated my walls,
  • gotten into one of his sisters rooms where he will unknowingly torture their guinea pigs with his squeals of delight
  • climbed the stools if I forgot to flip them upside down (yes, the ones he flipped over and gave himself a black eye for the record books just in time for his second birthday)

c) go play quietly until mom is done. (for the record, “C” never happens),
d) I just let him stay in there with me and clean up the mess afterward.

This is way too much to contemplate just to empty the bowels, and I realize it’s a bit too much information than you needed to know about me, but hey, everybody poos, even dinosaurs! It’s just a reminder that a mother rarely get a break, bathroom breaks included.

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