My Dad

My dad has cancer…

God, listen to that…are those even real words? Is it even possible to use that in the same sentence? Not to me, none of this is sinking in and I feel like a horrible person because of it!

For those of you who don’t know the story, about a week ago my dad went to the doctor because of an irregular heartbeat, during the research of that problem, they discovered this lump on his side. After xrays and catskans, and numerous other tests, they discovered it is a tumor on his kidney.  He checked himself into the hospital yesterday (Sunday 9/18) and tonight they told him it is cancer.

You just don’t understand…how do I describe this man? My whole life he has been there, all the times my mother abandoned me, he stayed with me, he took care of me and my sisters…he made us his life. All of my good childhood memories are of him. I can’t imagine my kids growing up without him…what do I do? Who do you turn to when your rock, your stability, is the one who needs you? Do I have the strength and courage he has always had for me?

My dad is no less than perfection…

God, V, u know what I mean…You were there when my mom left, you remember everything we went through, you knew me when he met y step mom…I am trying to think positive and be strong but there is no way this is happening to my family! Not him…

He has stuck by me through every stupid decision I have ever made. He always told me If I was happy, he was happy…God, and I hurt him so many times just by being stupid!!

And he’s still laughing, he’s still cracking jokes like he always does…

This just can’t be happening…it just can’t be, nothing can happen to him…

When we were kids, my family would camp out at Lake Okeechobee. I remember playing hide and seek in the tall reeds that grew there, I remember big fires we’d have every night and I remember the dads always making us kids sit around in a circle plucking the feathers off the ducks they’d shot that day. My dad was a God, there was no one else like him on Earth, Untouchable! The pillar of strength . I’ve seen him cry twice my entire life…and I know he wants too now, but he is so preoccupied thinking of us, his wife and his daughters, that he wouldn’t dare, and I honestly and selfishly, don’t think I could handle it if he did. How horrible is that? Here he is in NEED and I’m so damn selfish that I can’t face it if he cried in front of me…I hate that about me…I refuse to see him as anything less than perfect stength and now that he’s not, I’m afraid. What does that say about me?

When my dad comes home from work, my baby Milla just latches on to him. She follows him around the yard and helps him do chores…she adores him more than anyone! More than daddy, sometimes more than me…What if my girls grow up with no memories of him? The greatest man who ever lived, and they barely remember him?

My past relationship, my ex’s relationship with our kids, I constantly compared that to my dad and me and my sisters. I would always say, “if you were my dad…this wouldn’t be the way it is…” My dad is a no nonsense man, you did not embarasse him, you did not disrespect him, you DID NOT lie to him! To this day, I can not lie to my my father. I knew he meant what he said, he always meant business, and he would always be there for you. Everyone should have someone like him in their life.

I don’t know what you believe in, but please…pray he makes it out of this okay. Call me selfsh, but we need him here, I don’t want to imagne a life wthout him in it, or without him there to experience it with us. My great grandpa was in his eighties before he died a few years ago, my grandparents are all still alive. I want my dad to see my children’s children.

I love my dad. I thank God for him everyday. If, God forbid this turns out to be the worst case scenario, I am so fortunate to have had him in my life. I could never have asked for better, there just wasn’t. And if this turns out to be nothing serious, then thank God I learned how important he is in my life, and I pray I never take advantage of him again.

Call your parents if you haven’t. If nothing else, thank them for your life, because it’s so quick and so fragile, and before yoi know it, someone you always thought would be there, is gone…

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More wasted energy spent!

I am so exhausted today! My girls woke me up at 5 AM!! Who does that (unless it’s for work)? They were in such good moods too, I couldn’t tell them to go back to bed like I wanted to. No, I had to drag my tired ass out of bed and make them breakfast, and of course no matter how many times I tell them to be quiet, that all the “normal” people in the house are still sleeping, they still managed to wake up one of my nephews, and then the three of them together woke up everyone else, so there you go, THE DAY HAS BEGUN!

Then I went to the gym and spent what little energy I had left so now I am completely loopy!!

To top this all off, that friend of mine I posted about, the one with the abusive bf, he was arrested this week. No, not for the abuse but for the B & E, grand theft, possesion of stolen firearms, etc, etc… crimes he’s commited these past few weeks (the list goes on by the day). I swear, my phone has never rang so much! I am trying real hard to still be a friend to her (even though she is a lieing, back stabber for reason’s unexplained) but it’s HARD!! She’s still drinking way too much and that causes her to repeat things over and over and OVER…I’m losing my damn mind! So I have to keep repeating myself and even I’M sick of hearing what I’m saying, but she doesn’t want to hear it, she doesn’t want to hear ANY of it! Not that she’ll be better off, that he wasn’t worth it, that now she doesn’t have to worry about guns being put to her head anymore, all the things I feel like I’m supposed to say as her friend! Nope, she just cuts me off and goes off and repeats a subject we just covered! So I finally tell her I’m tired and going to bed and then she calls me again at 2:30am, and when I didn’t answer she text me, “I just took 6” (Xanex I can only assume) and the other “Do you want to take a ride with me?” YEAH! That’s exaclty what I want to do!

Wow, does this make me horrible? I swear, I’m considering changing my number! Does that make me horrible? I’M JUST SOO TIRED! And she keeps asking me for advice but doesn’t really want any of it so she’s not ever listening anyway, all she’s doing is wasting my minutes! But still, I know she’s going through a hard time, and I know she’s been through a lot already but you know, I just moved out of my house, ended an eight year relationship with a man who was “slightly” (to be nice) controlling, left behind a “step son”, am living with my parents, trying to save up and get out and START MY LIFE OVER! I really don’t want the burdon of HER problems, I have plenty of my own! Not to mention all the legal shit me and my ex are FINALLY over with after 9 long months of not knowing what was going to happen! I’ve been making everyone elses problems mine for too many years, I think I’m entitled to some selfish time! I empathize with her and all but she made some shitty choices, now it’s time to pay up. She may go down with this guy for some of the things she did to help him, but she did that! I tried to be her friend, I tried to warn her and even when she didn’t listen, I still tried to be there for her, but…what else can I do? I’m not licensed for this shit! A line has to be drawn at some point…right?

Okay, forgive my rant, like I said, I’m completely drained and I needed to get this off my chest. What better way to get rid of it then to throw it out in space?

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The biggest Roach ever!

I know it’s stupid to write about this but it gives u a chance to laugh at me (which is okay if I do it) and gives me something to do…

Tonight, I’m sitting here all alone, my parents go to bed, my kids are with their dad, there is nothing on TV, it’s all dark and quit. I’m IMing a friend  when I hear it! I look over at the BIGGEST cockroach I have ever seen, crawling in my window (I have no idea how, the damn thing is closed but this is no ordinary roach anyway!) Now, anyone who knows me, knows I cannot handle this! I run from these crunchy little demons at all times, but this one, he follows me around! He hides and waits until I’m brave enough to reenter the room and comes out for more of his sick, twisted pleasure! It was horrible.

I go downstairs to look for bug spray but more hoping my dad will wake up and kill the hell beast for me, (whch he is not a fan of doing after what my sister and I did as kids…but that’s another story 🙂 but he doesn’t wake up nor do I find the spray so back up the stairs I go, alone and unarmed…

I was shaking like a Jason victim going back to see if his “dead” body was still there, and of course it wasn’t…hiding again! So I get brave, actually sit in the chair, begin typing again and I see the little fucker (who apparently just realized I was back), this time he runs under my chair (which I am now out of BTW) and then towards me, I keep backing up and he keeps coming. So I grab a glass and figure, since I can’t kill him (crunch…ewww!) I’ll just cover him with the glass and he’ll be contained and someone else can deal with it tomorrow but as I examined the glass, I thought “there’s no way this is going to fit on top of him” so I grab the biggest, clunkiest, heaviest shoes I can find and I, the girl with absolutely NO AIM AT ALL threw the shoe and nailed this little asshole on the first strike! But to be sure I threw the other shoe at him too, totaling two successful strikes for the girl who can’t hit anything.

So he’s dead and life can resume as normal 🙂 I’m not picking him up though. turns out that glass does fit over him, my daddy will do it for me in the morning 🙂 I tell you this though, if every night my kids aren’t going to be here is like this one, I’m keeping their little butts home! (Riley would have squashed him for me!)

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Some things you should know…

Before you approach me, read this…

Family: My family is VERY important to me! They are the few people that I KNOW will always be there for me. If I decide at the last second to drive up Gainesville with my dad to go see them, then I’m going to. I will probably invite you but you don’t have to go, and if you don’t want to, fine, but don’t expect me to stay home either! Make plans with your friends or family and we’ll hook back up later.

Friends: I have a few VERY CLOSE girlfriends. I tell them (almost) EVERYTHING! If you’re a dick and we fight and it’s your fault, they’re going to know about it. If their opinion of you matters and you don’t want to to look like an asshole infront of them, don’t be one! Also, even though we have very different lives going on right now and we don’t see each other often, if they call me out of the blue and want me to go out for a girls night and you and I didn’t already have plans, I’m going to go. Don’t call me six thousand times asking when I’ll be home, don’t ask where I’ll be or to check in every hour, DON’T SHOW UP just to spy on me and act like it’s a coincidence that you’re there.

Your friends: I have no problem with guys night out, I don’t care how often you see your friends but please, don’t make plans with me and then make plans with them and make me feel guilty because you double booked yourself. Also, if you do go out and it’s 3 o’clock in the morning, DONT CALL ME and ask if I’m awake or if we’re going to have sex when you get home! The answer to both is NO!

Holidays: I love holidays! I grew up in a religion very similar to Jewish, so I didn’t celebrate any “traditional” ones until I was 13 (not even my birthday). I am reliving all of them through my daughters so I try to make them as big and as special as I can (afford). Yes, I’d rather make the kids easter baskets than get one of those POS ones you buy at the grocery store and not at the last minute either, and yes I DO have to stuff their stocking because that’s the best part no matter how you feel about it. Their birthday’s are a HUGE deal, so is every other Holiday they make a card for that I never got as a child :)!

GEMINI’s need not apply! My last two ex’s were Gem’s, nuf’ said…we’ll make great friends but anymore than that, we’ll explode (and it’s an ugly mess) 🙂

Don’t give me bad news while I’m eating. It kills my appetite and then I’m a total bitch because I didn’t eat.

Don’t call me names. It is absolutely the most childish form of argueing I’ve ever experienced! Especially “whore”. (If I ever acted like one, it was part of the game, which I’m sure was not my idea anyway)

Rinse your damn dishes!  (especially milk glasses!)

Don’t call me “momma”

Do not squeeze parts of my body that I’m insecure about and say “It’s cute” (I don’t think I’m alone on that one)

Please, don’t lie to me. If it’s something stupid, whatever but if you lied a BIG lie and I find out about it, it’s ON (I’m scoripio, REVENGE is inevidible)

If you cheat on me, IT’S OVER! I may not leave you right away, but you’ll wish I had. I’m a 100 percent loyal to my man (again, scorpio). I’ve only ever cheated on one ex and he started on me in our first few months, (plus I’m still in love with the man I was with). If we’re commited and I trust you, you need not worry about me.

I will trust you completely until the first time you hurt me

Don’t put me in positions where I feel insecure (don’t tell me you’re with your boys and call me with girls in the background and says “it’s nothing”)

I’ve never been a “center of attention” kind of person, DO NOT make me the butt of your jokes in front of other people…you’ll regret that when we’re alone. I don’t draw alot of attention to myself, I don’t need you to do it for me.

I’m not really girlie but sometimes I love girlie things (i.e. flowers, candles, etc…), surprise me once in a while.

I adore affection, not to be confused with sex. Sometimes all I want to do is kiss. I want you to come up and kiss me for no reason (that would be better than coming up and grabbing those body parts I mentioned earlier)

(I can’t believe I didn’t put this first and should go without saying) RESPECT my kids. They are extensions of me. I hope you will love each other but if not, you have to respect them. I will never allow them to disrespect you (I know how that feels). Don’t expect to meet them right away either, they mean too much to me to be put in situations where they may lose someone they love. It also keeps those who would use them to get close to me, away…

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